the future of poetry is gestalt

i'm trying for the first time in my life to craft (three) poems. it is not my method (though really, it is the only method), and i am failing. i realize i write to express mood, not scene. a scene. any narrative. i also realize that i don't write to express anything. sometimes i just write. i don't know why i still do. i don't know why i ever did. i think i've made it this far because my work is "ineditable," but really, that just means confusing and perceived as esoteric. it means that no one knew what to do with Quiche. it means that the first poem i wrote rhymed and the second was a sestina and who the fuck edits those in high school? who wants anything more from high school poetry than for the endlines to make sense? (oh, i just realized that i guess i once (twice) crafted!) i don't feel any urge in me to write, but i am assumed to be someone who does. i meet blank stares and disbelief when i tell people that want to bond over literature and expression, that really, they are just more into than i am. that i just am, and no other effort is exuded from me. i don't retain. i don't seek. i don't write.

i have no interest in calling myself a writer. i can't imagine ever being dubbed a poet. there is something pretentious (though precious) about trying to make it in this world starving. and i can't muster that ambition. but still, i will take advanced poetry. i will continue to try and advance in poetry. and one day, i will read it. and after that, it will enthuse me.